she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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