I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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