i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
