i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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