You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
