Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
