how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize