toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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