i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
