You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
