You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish they made helmets for livers.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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