I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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