You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize