the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
