Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
