Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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