How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Im part way to drunk.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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