my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I met the friendliest cop last night
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
