I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize