I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
