Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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