The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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