I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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