last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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