there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
bring money and cleavage
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
