i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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