Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
