so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
