Im at strip club and am horny
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Everything about him screamed your future.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
