im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Holy sore nipples Batman
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
