She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize