I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
