u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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