i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
