umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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