It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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