Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
