if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
