I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
