youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just threw up on my dentist
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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