I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
