There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
FUCK WHALES
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