i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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