Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
