That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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