yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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