it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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