Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize