i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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