In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
