i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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