She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
