Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
