you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just want to make out with him forever
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
