You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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