I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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