gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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