Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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