but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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