Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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