There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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