my soul wont recognize me after tonight
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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