I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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