The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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