when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
