I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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